The Contenders.
#1 The ProTour.
Who isn't sick of the UCI telling everybody what to do? Hein Verbruggen's legacy oversteps the bounds of cycling government and it's pricey. This year's dismissal by ASO et al. was an excellent reply to the Bushian, expansionist policies of the UCI. The UCI's threats to ban everybody who rode the Tour was comically megalomaniacal. The governing body should go back to ranking and bike restrictions and forgo being a race organizer. Leave it to the pros at ASO, RCS, Unipublic and the others who have created the stages for the world's greatest sporting showcase. Viva le Tour. Death to the ProTour.
#2 T-Mobile.
I was fortunate enough to be on the junket T-Mobile had on Mallorca a couple of years ago and was able to interview Jan Ulrich, Walter Godefroot and others during that trip. I was a huge fan of the team, and felt that the roster and organization was the most inspirational since they won back to back Tours. When they withdrew their sponsorship citing disgust for scandal, I thought it was bad timing and the results prove it. Last year, T-Mobile finished 13th in the UCI team standings, in a system that included the Tour and Classics. This year they are ninth in its new Columbia incarnation without counting Cavendish's Tour sprint clinic or Kirchen's stint in yellow. It might have been pretty in pink for the team whose only negatives came up at the drug testing lab.
#3 The Other German Team
When your national television station is threatening to stop covering your sport because of doping scandals, it might be time to stop using drugs. Schumacher's positive test for EPO CERA was a shocker from someone who'd just been acquitted from a doping case. Gerolsteiner's Holczer was devastated to hear the news, and has threatened to leave the sport. German cycling may have received its death blow with this careless effort from Schumacher. Interviewed for Procycling last year, he said, "I welcome the aggressive approach to doping...." How about now?
#4 Caisse D'Espargne
Why is Alejandro Valverde going back to the team car for a windbreaker? Last I heard, there was a team leader, his lieutenant [or two depending on the terrain] and domestiques who go and get stuff for the team leader from the team car. I'm going to capitalize TEAM LEADER and other important nomenclature for the rest of this entry so you can read it in Spanish. When the TEAM LEADER needs a jacket, the DIRECTEUR SPORTIF hands one off to a DOMESTIQUE to bring it up to the TEAM LEADER. The TEAM LEADER is busy marking his rivals so he doesn't get caught out like he did in the Tour. Having DOMESTIQUES to do this work ensures the TEAM LEADER'S Grand Tour contention. So, Sr. Unzue, next time Alejandro Valverde needs anything, have Xabier Zandio bring it up to him, OK? That way the other teams won't pounce on him and he won't lose four minutes on a descent in your home tour.
#5 Drug testing faux pas
In March, Kevin Van Impe was a little busy arranging the cremation of his son when the vampires showed up for a drug test. Citing the delicate and sensitive nature of the death of his child, he asked them politely if it might wait a few minutes. No. They forced him to give a sample on the spot. Can we exhibit a little dignity in our dignified approach to fighting doping in the sport, please?
#6 ASO denies Astana
Disinviting the Tour's reigning champion was just so, well, galling. It can be argued that after the legacy of disaster within the Astana camp, Bruyneel's purge was as thorough as Bob Stapleton's at High Road-Columbia. The pristine ASO should have acquiesced and rewarded the team for it. Astana is the best tour team in the world at the moment and tifosi suffered not watching Alberto Contador confirm that he is L'Homme.
Having been following professional cycling for nearly two decades, I am very aware that this can only be considered a partial list of stupidity exhibited by our heroes and their adversaries. I welcome all suggestions for contending imbeciles. Results will be posted after the season closing Giro di Lombardia.
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